Utter Wonder: The Idle Thoughts Of C. Monks

An Open Letter to Ken Jennings From Kyle, the Guy Who Designed Utter Wonder.

Posted 09/27/2006 07:18 AM by cmonks in MEOW! MEOW!.

Hi Ken -

My name is Kyle and I designed C. Monks' website back in September 2004. He tried to pay me in expired Dunkaccino coupons, but that's not what I'm writing to you about today. My cut-throat two-year legal battle with C. Monks has nothing to do with this.

This is about your site. It's flattering that your web designer stole Utter Wonder's "lite-brite phrenology" design concept, but I'm offended at the poor quality of the rip-off. Look at the way the diagram overlay gives you bleach-blond hair like the dude from Everclear (lame!). And those jagged-edge fonts...hasn't your web designer heard of anti-aliasing (or Photoshop)? It also makes you look like your head's been cut off (creepy!).

I'm not going to sue your ass, like I did with C. Monks - I'm not going to try and extort any of your Jeopardy! millions from you. Since I stole a 200-year-old drawing from a crazy dead European guy for my design, that would make me a pot and you a very non-black kettle. All I'm saying is that your web designer probably spent 45 minutes on your site, then billed you for thousands of dollars 'cause you're a celebrity.

I think you should try and get some of that money back. Because in five years, when Amazon is selling new copies of "Brainiac" with punched-out bar codes for $0.01, when all your drooling webfans are on to the next human USB flash-drive, you're going to need every dollar you've got. Invest wisely.

Sincerely,
Kyle

My thanks to all of you who have rallied around me during this difficult time. You are the wind beneath my wings. If you have posted a message on Ken Jennings' message board and would like to receive a signed copy of a fan letter I wrote to Star Jones, please email me here. - C.

[Pic via Junkiness]

Comments.

I can't tell you how excited I am about my real live Star Jones letter.
OK, I'll tell you. I am so excited about my real live Star Jones letter.
Do you think she'll bring it over in person? Let me know if does before she comes, 'cause I'm not sure that security will let her in. And no that's not a "black thing" you racism assumers. But my security guy just hates The View.

Posted by: Charlie at 09/27/2006 09:09 AM

I'd have to see a pic of C to be sure, but this has to be the gayest fight ever.

I would pay money to see the two of you physically fight, by the way. And I would make a killing -- wagering on a grown man named C.

Posted by: hockomock at 09/27/2006 09:29 AM

As much as I would love a star jones fan letter, that Jennings message board scares the crap out of me. Where do those people come from?

Posted by: kowgurl at 09/27/2006 09:34 AM

What is truly scary is those are the people that actually run our country, our schools, our what-have-you while we, for the most part just make fun of them.
I'm not saying I support a violent uprising against the Weenies! Did it sound like I was? My lawyer says that I should never verbalize that sort of thing. So if there is a violent uprising against the Weenies, please let me know when and where so I can be sure to avoid it. I'll check my e-mail and police scanner regularly.

Posted by: Charlie at 09/27/2006 11:17 AM

I'd like to thank Google for this award. It was through Goggle that I first became introduced to cmonks. His dedication to writing about absolutely almost nothing on a daily basis has been a source of inspiration. I'd also like to thank my significant other, Kotter. Well, even though our lame-ass government STILL doesn't recognize marriage to otters as valid, he is my Mr. Kotter. And then, where would I be without... whaaa'? Cue the music??? I was just gettin' started! Ok, I'm, goin'!!! You don't have to push!! Anyway, thank you for the award, C.

Posted by: Drama Queen at 09/27/2006 01:03 PM

Thank you c. What happens if I think Ken Jennings is following me?

Posted by: cheryl at 09/27/2006 03:12 PM

C, I don't think this is how you envisioned the event of finally getting "face time" with your hero, Ken Jennings. Monksonians vs. Jenning-ites. Who'd a-thunk?

Posted by: Drama Queen at 09/27/2006 04:05 PM

I left my comment at that lame ripoff artist's site, C., but you should keep my signed letter to Star for the forthcoming Utter Wonder/Star Jones Smithsonian exhibit.

Posted by: tonym at 09/27/2006 11:06 PM

Ray! Where do all these Brainiac books go? Fic? Nfic? Kids? NO! Remainders! Remainders! REMAINDERS!!

Posted by: Orb at 09/28/2006 05:18 AM

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