Utter Wonder: The Idle Thoughts Of C. Monks

My Replies to Recent Comments.

Posted 11/16/2006 07:46 AM by cmonks in I Am So Very Very Sorry.

Readers have been writing lots more comments as of late. I like this because having lots of comments makes me look like the best fair-to-middling blogger of all-time. Nothing depresses me more than slaving over a post for hour upon hour and having nothing but two little dinky comments by the same guy to show for it. So I'd like to thank everybody who's left a comment the past few months. Good or bad, it doesn't matter, you left a comment and I am grateful.

So to show my thanks I've selected a few recent comments at random and provided responses to them. I think a dialog between a blogger and the lonely people who leave comments on his site is important. It shows my readers that I am willing to get down to their level and risk catching some lonely from them. This makes me very brave and powerful, and that's why I love me so much.

I bought People Magazine so that I could show people that I know the guy who wrote something they reviewed. People are sort of kind of impressed, you know, moreso than if I said I knew Kevin Federline the week they reviewed his CD. I plan to buy the book...are you going to be available for autographs? - Jody

Often times, when I'm crying or running away from hoboes, I remind myself that I was sort of in People Magazine. This makes me giddy to no end and I am able to muster up the strength to outrun the hoboes. I wear my sort of being in People Magazine like a badge of honor. Just yesterday I told this guy who was trying to get me to donate money to Save the Children that I didn't have time for his shit because I was sort of in People Magazine and that the hoboes were gaining on me. So thanks for reminding me about sort of being in People, Jody. Even though I'm not currently crying or running away from hoboes it still makes me feel special. And yes, I am always available for autographs, mine or someone else's.

whoah, who's the pissy one here? resorting to making fun of him for a physical feature he can't control? you egotistical prick!! if this is the way you think about people who haven't been blessed with your full head of hair, i can't imagine what you must think of short, retarded, or black people. please, keep it to yourself! this post is ugly enough, hide your true self for your own sake at least. - pierce

You're right. I was really pissy when I wrote that IKEA post and was over the line. Sorry I offended you. And please don't let the fact that along with Multiple Sclerosis, I have no thumbs, or that the poor defenseless bald guy at the IKEA I was lashing out against was dressed as a Nazi make you feel guilty about the verbal smackdown you administered on me. You're totally right about me. I'll try to be a better person in the future. All the same, your comment makes me hate bald people more than I already do, but still, I agree I was way out of line.

I could put this in haiku form, but since my cold medication is not f-ing me up like Vicodin, I'll just say it normally. People Magazine likes "Signs Your Unicorn Is Cheating On You" best. You might want to buy a copy. -hsw

First of all, I appreciate you not swearing in your comment. I wish other commenters would be as restrained, but most aren't and it totally sucks fucking ass. I also thank you for not writing your comment in the form of a haiku because that would intimidate the other commenters, and in response they'd start swearing in their comments even more than they already do. Finally, thanks for reminding me about how I was sort of in People Magazine, especially given that I hear the shuffle-shuffle of hobo boots coming down my driveway, and fuck if I'm going to let them fucking catch me and steal my pinky fingers. It's bad enough they already took my thumbs. I mean, what gives?

This post is dedicated to never actually seeing my mention in People magazine.

Comments.

Dear Mr. C,
Is it true that hobos are marsupials? My sister says they are but she says that about everything.
Yours truly,
Pouch-Wary

Posted by: Charlie at 11/16/2006 09:25 AM

What the fuck, C? I'm deeply hurt.

Posted by: Drama Queen at 11/16/2006 10:43 AM

Hoboes are marsupials. So are the Seattle Supersonics.

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 11:03 AM

I'm sorry, Drama Queen, but that's what you get for hating the troops.

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 11:16 AM

I don't think I've ever seen you work the word 'tundra' into any of your posts. I guess you peaked with spina bifida.

Posted by: Stacey at 11/16/2006 12:28 PM

You're right, Stacey. I have never used that word in any of my posts. Why? Maybe because it killed my pony. Thanks for making relive that horrible three-day-weekend.

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 12:59 PM

Were you the inspiration for the Ween song "Mr. would you please help my pony?"?

Posted by: Charlie at 11/16/2006 02:09 PM

Are people who comment "commentators" or "commenters?" I can't decide. Which is weird, because I'm usually a decidetator.

Posted by: simpleton01 at 11/16/2006 02:10 PM

i don't think that the comments were randomly selected at all. i think that mister tatters--hobo alpha who wears a suit made of people magazine covers--has intimidated blog-head into doing his bidding, which for some reason, was to respond to those three comments. you mark my words, in blog-heads ensuing posts, i bet you'll see the influence and menace of mister tatters creeping in. blog-head is mister tatters bitch.

Posted by: michael murray at 11/16/2006 02:14 PM

For the longest time I thought the correct term was "commentators" but then "Yes, Dear" got canceled and everything changed.

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 02:29 PM

As long as we talking spelling, is it hobos or hoboes? You may be better off using bums. Wait, that means ass in England.

Posted by: Patti at 11/16/2006 02:36 PM

I looked that one up myself, Patti. Either spelling is acceptable. Also, in the dictionary, "hobo" comes right after "hob-nob," which means "to drink sociably." And that got me wondering: is it just a coincidence?

Posted by: simpleton01 at 11/16/2006 02:43 PM

...and not to be contradictory, but "bum" means "arse" in England.

Posted by: simpleton01 at 11/16/2006 02:45 PM

It's a well known fact that all hobos are illiterate...and drunk. And therefore their titles are not subject to spelling guidelines.
In England they are just people on "The Dole" so they don't get any extra title. Unless they are knighted in which case they become Sir Hobo/Bum/Whatever.
Don't even get me started on punctuation. I've been thinking about the double ? at the end of my last post all day. Seems to make sense but it sure looks funny.

Posted by: Charlie at 11/16/2006 03:32 PM

michael murray, please don' talk about mister tatters like that. it's not right. you want him to waterboard me more or something? so cut it out.

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 03:34 PM

I just want to participate.

Posted by: Kat in Da Hat at 11/16/2006 03:41 PM

I hope my comment(ation) is in italics. It makes me feel drunk. Which is good, since I'm at work.

Can they test for that? I hope not.

Do you live near train tracks cmonks? I thought that's where hobo(e)s live.

Posted by: Bryan at 11/16/2006 03:44 PM

It's "hoboes" Patti. Only hoboes spell hoboes "hobos".

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 04:36 PM

I can have a hobo bring you the People magazine if you want it. I was going to frame it, but a big picture of Dave Eggars is also on the page, and although I may have paid $20 to hug him at an 826LA benefit, those asshole McSweeney's people couldn't get me his new fucking book before I left for London despite saying it was released on 10/25, so now I want nothing to do with it. HE IS DEAD TO ME.

Sorry for all the swearing.

Posted by: hsw at 11/16/2006 04:54 PM

Someone closed a tag. Boo. I am now too sober.
Back to work for me.

Posted by: Bryan at 11/16/2006 05:15 PM

Hey Bryan, I'm at work too. Also not drunk. Are you spelling your name correctly? My brother's name is Brian. Maybe that's why he's is prison. He used to be a hobo. Or is it hoboe?

Posted by: Patti at 11/16/2006 05:29 PM

Bryan, the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Actually I have no idea how all that italic action happened. I blame the troops. I mean Drama Queen.

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 05:35 PM

I think putting an 'e' in "hobos" really throws off the symmetry. On second thought, what the fuck do hoboes care about symmetry?

Posted by: simpleton01 at 11/16/2006 05:50 PM

I think hobos (the true spellling) care about symmetry as long as there are drinks involoved. They do love to hob-nob.

Posted by: Patti at 11/16/2006 05:56 PM

Yes, hsw, please have a hobo bring me the copy of People. Tell him to drop it while he's chasing me and I'll run in a circle and pick it up. Sorry, about Eggers. I hear his new book is supposed to be fantastic.

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 06:02 PM

You all need to chill with the hobo spelling talk. That's how they get you, see. You start wondering how you spell them and then BOXCAR WILLIE!!! You have, like, fifteen of them chasing after you.

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 06:09 PM

Kat in the Hat, thanks for wanting to participate. It's important to be involved because you can't win if you don't play. Or something like that, whatever I'm not sure anymore...BOXCAR WILLIE!!!

Posted by: cmonks at 11/16/2006 06:11 PM

Just to bring the discussion full circle, in England, an "ass" is a furry creature...somewhat like a pony.

Posted by: simpleton01 at 11/16/2006 06:17 PM

I usually spell my name with a "g" and consecutive "q"s, but it's hard to pronounce.

My previous comment was supposed to be a haiku, but now it's not.

I'm totally going to frame this page, by the way. cmonks responded to me! I am somebody! Or am I? I forgot. I think I need a drink. Oh yeah - I'm not supposed to drink at work. Boo.

Posted by: Bryan at 11/16/2006 06:32 PM

I'm still pouting...

Posted by: Drama Queen at 11/16/2006 07:52 PM

Do you think hobo(e)s know they're hobo(e)s? For all they know, they're just linemen for the county. Or Marines.

Posted by: Drama Queen at 11/16/2006 07:57 PM

I know I'm late with these comments and it appears as if everyone had a gay old time calling and responding and that the best middling one came down from hobo camp on Big Rock Candy Mountain to honor us all with his pithy replies, but I've been busy hopping rail trails and always falling down especially when I enter the darkest corner of the world, a place so scary and mysterious they named it Minuteman Bikeway. That's another story, another comment for another blog. However unkempt they may be, reading comments about hobos I can't help but think of all the times, while growing up, that I used to hop trains just so me and my friends could go to McDonalds four miles down the track. Still, no one called us hobos. No one cared. Now I'm not making any sense because I'm tired and have been pulling horse-hair plaster off walls and breathing in 75-year old dust and pollen and horse dander. And never never thinking about hobos past, present or future.

Posted by: Michael Mcinnis at 11/16/2006 10:36 PM

I am dizzy...I feel like a bug trapped in amber, forever captured, suspended in time. This must be what it feels like if your list gets printed in People Magazine. Now I have to figure out how to frame my laptop so this page is showing, and not let my screen saver come on because then I'll be looking at pictures of my kid instead of seeing my name in lights on Utter Wonder. I yam somebody.

Posted by: Jody at 11/17/2006 06:39 AM

So Michael thinks HE'S late with his comment? Well check this out. I would have commenter-ated earlier, but Boxcar Benjamin Disreali had me strapped down and waterboarded all weekend. My goal now is to be the final comment on the C. comments on comments page.

Posted by: Orb at 11/20/2006 11:40 AM

Trackbacks.
TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.utterwonder.com/mt3/mt-tbk.cgi/1273