My interview with Jimmy Kimmel is in the latest edition of Mean magazine. Just like with my last interview for Mean, the powers that be found it so fantastic an interview that they have made it impossible to read without purchasing it at your local bookstore or magazine stand.

But let's face it: none of you will. No, you're too busy sitting on that high and mighty chair of yours. Tell me, is it as comfy and as full of can't-be-bothered-ness as it looks? Boy, you have it made. I wish I had a high and mighty chair like that. I mean, I bought a JERRICK chair at IKEA last week, but I'm guessing it's not nearly as high and mighty and Scandinavian as your chair is.

As for the interview, Jimmy Kimmel was very nice. I found him to be a friendly guy who was sincerely appreciative for getting the time to talk about the art of the practical joke and the funny movie he produced, Windy City Heat. I now see what Sarah Silverman sees in him.

At any rate, despite your high and mighty-dom I thought today I'd offer you some bonus material from my interview with Kimmel. So here's an outtake from the interview that doesn't appear in Mean and never actually occurred in real life. Enjoy!

ME (slight drunk, weeping): Why is Sarah Silverman so hot?

KIMMEL: She's a very funny and beautiful human being.

ME: Shut up! Shut up, Kimmel! You shut up that stupid pie hole of yours! Sarah Silverman is a goddess!

KIMMEL: I agree completely.

ME: Stop smearing her name with your lies, Kimmel!

KIMMEL: But I...

ME: Oh, you sit way up on your high and mighty chair and look down upon me and think, "I bet he got that lame chair he's sitting on at IKEA," but I don't care--that won't stop me from standing up to you and your smear campaign against all things hot, like your hot girlfriend Sarah Silverman. And Tyne Daley.

KIMMEL: I'm sorry, Chris, but I don't understand-

ME: You're DAMN RIGHT you don't understand, Kimmel! YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, you high and mighty taker of my dream woman! Oh god, if Emmit Smith doesn't win Dancing With the Stars I don't know what I'll do!!!

KIMMEL:...

ME: I mean, Emmit is special, is he not, Kimmel? He played football and he dances. It's so inspiring. Just ask the guy who bags my groceries. He knows what I'm talking about. He's lactose intolerant!

KIMMEL: [hangs up]

ME: Oh god, I'm so alone. I'm so alone, Kimmel. Say something nice to me. Say how you like my shirt--I know you can't see my shirt, but say you like it anyway. Tell me I won't go bald, Kimmel. Run your word fingers through my massive hair and say I'll never go bald. I just to need to feel, Kimmel-- I NEED TO FEEL! Oh, let me feel again, Jimmy Kimmel! Please, LET. ME. FEEL!

Like I said, Kimmel was gracious and warm throughout the interview, and, as the above detailed spectacularly, he was gracious and warm throughout my pretend interview, as well. So have the little men who hoist you up on that high and mighty chair of yours pull you down for a minute so you can go out and buy a copy of the magazine. It won't kill you, you know. And if you need more incentive, there are, like, nineteen pictures of Jenna Malone wearing short shorts in the issue, plus an interview with the guy who plays "Jim" on The Office.

Thanks. And pray for Emmit!

This post is dedicated to waffle irons.