Utter Wonder: The Idle Thoughts Of C. Monks

Utter Wonderlist > Missed Connections > The IKEA in Stoughton, MASS.

Posted 11/13/2006 07:20 AM by cmonks in Utterwonderlist!.

YOU: A TWENTY-SOMETHING MALE, BALDING, OVERCOMPENSATING FOR IT WITH DUMB-LOOKING BEARD, LAME CLOTHES, LOOKING AT A DISPLAY OF BJURSTAS LAST FRIDAY AT THE STOUGHTON, MASS IKEA.

ME: A 30-SOMETHING MALE, NOT BALDING, BETTER-THAN-AVERAGE CLOTHES, LOOKING AT SAME DISPLAY OF BJURSTAS.

YOU STEPPED AWAY FROM THE DISPLAY OF BJURSTAS, SO I STEPPED IN TO LOOK CLOSER AT THE DISPLAY OF BJURSTAS. THEN MOMENTS LATER YOU PATHETICALLY MUMBLED "THAT'S OKAY, I WASN'T LOOKING AT THESE ANYWAY" AND STORMED OFF.

I APOLOGIZED, BUT YOU KEPT WALKING. DIDN'T EVEN TURN TO LOOK BACK. I WAS SO SURPRISED BY YOUR REACTION (I MEAN, YOU STEPPED AWAY, I THOUGHT, TO ALLOW ME ACCESS TO THE DISPLAY OF BJURSTAS) THAT ALL I COULD SHOUT OUT AS YOU WALKED OFF WAS "DUDE?!?".

ANYWAY, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE I'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU. LIKE "YOU'RE THE BIGGEST LOSER IN THE WORLD, BALDY!" OR "NICE JEANS, TJ MAXX!" THE POINT IS MY SAYING "DUDE!?!" WAS REALLY LAME. I NEVER SAY "DUDE?!?" EVER. I GUESS I THOUGHT THE WORD WAS PART OF YOUR 20-SOMETHING VERNACULAR AND I USED IT TO COME DOWN TO YOUR LEVEL OF COMMUNICATION AND TO SHOW THAT EVEN THOUGH I AM WELL INTO MY 30s I STILL AM DOWN WITH HOW THE YOUNG PEOPLE OF TODAY TALK. YOU ALL ALWAYS SAY "DUDE?!?", AM I RIGHT?

REGARDLESS, LET'S MEET AGAIN, SO I CAN GET MY RESPONSE RIGHT. I HEAR IKEA HAS A BRAND NEW DISPLAY OF SKRUVSTAS. SEE YOU THERE AROUND 1:30 TOMORROW. BE SURE TO BE JUST AS PISSY AS YOU WERE ON FRIDAY, OTHERWISE I WON'T BE NEARLY AS INSPIRED TO TOTALLY NAIL YOU WITH A WICKED-AWESOME COMEBACK.

THANKS.

THIS POST IS DEDICATED TO HAVING A GLORIOUS HEAD OF HAIR.

Comments.

Of all the words of mice and men ...

Posted by: hockomock at 11/13/2006 09:48 AM

What the hell is a bjursta?

Posted by: hooks at 11/13/2006 11:23 AM

I'm pretty sure it's a dining room table. I know how much you well dressed, 30-something, males L-O-V-E furniture. Either that or some X-Box thing-a-majig.

Posted by: Lisa at 11/13/2006 12:33 PM

Dude! The sole purpose of the Internet is to allow you to shop for bjurstas in peace, without having to endure the passive-aggressive ramblings of some twentyish cue-ball:

http://www.ikea.com/

Posted by: simpleton01 at 11/13/2006 12:42 PM

Apology accepted, bi-atch.

Posted by: 20 Something Ikea Lover at 11/13/2006 06:15 PM

I think I also saw that "dude" at the Ikea not too long ago. Was he wearing one of those Cylonic phone earpieces so he can keep in constant touch with all the other passive-aggressive douche-bags in the world? When I saw him he was explaining to his woman friend some idiotic techincal/mechanical yadda yadda about kitchens and their multiple uses in affluent societies. C. if I had known you had a minor run-in with that douche, I would have punched him in the face for that and then smacked him in the solar plexus for the loud, irritating yadda yadda. Instead, I hurried away and found refuge amongst the shelving display touching, tasting and testing each steel, birch, beech and oak shelf.

Posted by: Michael McInnis at 11/13/2006 08:25 PM

whoah, who's the pissy one here? resorting to making fun of him for a physical feature he can't control? you egotistical prick!! if this is the way you think about people who haven't been blessed with your full head of hair, i can't imagine what you must think of short, retarded, or black people. please, keep it to yourself! this post is ugly enough, hide your true self for your own sake at least.

Posted by: pierce at 11/13/2006 10:21 PM

Dude,

I am totally never going back.

Posted by: Romius T. at 11/13/2006 11:28 PM

Sounds like pierce is a bald, black, retarded midget. Not that there's anything wrog with that, but Jesus! Talk about pissy.

Posted by: Charlie at 11/14/2006 08:51 AM

All these pissy people make me have to go to the bathroom.

Posted by: Jody at 11/14/2006 09:20 AM

oh my god, you are such a brilliant writer! Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts and events with us, we are all smarter for it. Your blog is a wonderful addition to the written language and will serve us for many years.

Thank you for proving that you can be totally cool after 30. You hip bastard you.

Posted by: d at 11/14/2006 09:32 AM

What the last person said, only not ironically.

Posted by: Ian at 11/14/2006 07:03 PM

this is all so irrelevant isn't it. get a life and i really hope your hair doesn't fall out you lame shit.

Posted by: fnck at 11/15/2006 06:23 AM

Read the rest of the blog, same-guy-who-uses-different names-to-leave-comments. Stop being so humorless and unsophisticated. C makes fun of himself more than anybody else. This blog is a satire, and nothing he writes is to be taken too seriously.

Posted by: mollyb at 11/15/2006 07:14 AM

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