Dear C,

I am trying to instill in my children the notion that material things are not the reason we celebrate the holidays and that the PS3 is not something that they truly need in their young lives to be happy and successful. In that vein, I would like to exchange simple, handmade gifts this year that our family, friends and childrens' teachers will appreciate and find useful and enjoyable. Since I'm not very handy or crafty and cannot bake Toll House cookies without a three alarm response from the local volunteer Fire Department, I was wondering whether you can provide some homemade holiday gift ideas for those of us who are domestically challenged? Thanks in advance.

Sincerely, tedmom.

Dear tedmom,

I can't tell you how sorry I am that your children have a hippie mother. Material things are not the reason we celebrate the holidays Christmases!?! Yikes. Tell me, is there a Grateful Dead concert in your brain 24/7? My guess is there is because there's no other explanation for your theory on Christmas. Kids wait all year long for the big day not to hold hands and sing dumb songs about peace and love wassailing, but to get the hottest and most expensive toys so they can brag to their friends about how cool they are.

So unless you can somehow make a Playstation 3 out of that nickel bag of hemp beside you, I'd say your kids are screwed. Maybe there's some foster parent present-giving program for children of hippies they could sign up for. You know, so they could have alternate parents who value real things, like money and status, that will buy them kick ass gifts, like an iPod or a Hummer. It will make your handmade gifts of peace candles and popcorn necklaces look lame in comparison, but god damn it: Christmas isn't about you and your feelings.

Frankly, I don't know why I even bothered to answer your question. You probably have an extended version of "Ripple" working in your noggin' and haven't been reading anyway. So whatever, I don't really care if you follow my advice or not. Just keep splashing on that patchouli and eating your beet juice and hating the troops, hippie. I'm getting a Wii for Xmas either way! Sucka!

If you have a question about anything, just ask C and you shall learn.

This post is dedicated to Yul Brynner.