Utter Wonder: The Idle Thoughts Of C. Monks

Ask C and You Shall Learn, Vol. XVII.

Posted 12/21/2006 07:09 AM by cmonks in Ask C and You Shall Learn!.

Dear C,

So, a 7-month relationship I was in just ended. Thursday night he was all lovey dovey and happy to be in my home and my bed. The next day he flipped the emotional switch and decided 'we're done'. WTF??? Are you kidding me? We didn't fight, had had great sex the night before and he's done the next evening. Is he a jackass, or is it a guy thing?

Please enlighten me.
"Rilo"

PS Please don't use my real name or I will have to retaliate.

Great question, "Rilo"! Ever since starting up the "Ask C" series I've been waiting for a question like this to come along, for if there's one thing I am an expert on it's relationships. Sure, some might say that given my mail-order Uzbekistani bride, I may not be the best person to offer advice on love and whatnot, but I think those people are just a bunch of dummies. Just because I paid over 70,000 Uzbek Soms for my awesome relationship doesn't mean I can't dispense some sage wisdom to help others with their relationships, whether they're paid for or not.

As for your question, "Rilo," it's a toughie. For the sake of helping you better I'm gonna go ahead and assume that your lover is Uzbekistani. Now, aside from My Lady's bitter, pock-mark riddled brothers, I haven't had too much experience with Uzbekistani men. In fact, I tend to run up to the attic and hide whenever I sense their presence.

With that said, I know enough about Uzbekistani men to know that they their feelings for someone can turn on a dime (or on a Uzbek Som ten pence), especially when they are confronted with emotions they don't understand, like love or desire or want of yak meat.

That's what happened to your Uzbekistani lover. He woke up the morning after his night of "great sex" and realized that his feelings were getting more and more complex and vulnerable, so instead of taking a risk on love he decided to cut and run. Either that or he was jonesin' for a yak roast and you just can't find good yak roast here in the States.

Hope that helped, "Rilo". You also may want to try spraying him with water. That's what I do with My Lady whenever she threatens to leave me. A few squirts from the water spray bottle and she quickly pops back into line. It also keeps her from eating the plants.

If you have a question about anything, just ask C and you shall learn.

This post is dedicated to toast.

Comments.

How could anyone who's ever tasted yak NOT understand what it feels like to yearn for the sweet delicious yak meat? So tender and sublime.

That's certainly the most festive of the Blogvents, so far. Violating human rights is what Christmas is all about! It's chock full 'o yule!

Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' at 12/21/2006 11:20 AM

OMG. That could have been written by me. I was dating this guy having great sex, never fighting, and behold the asshole broke up with me. He decided to boink the wife of his best friend who recently went in a coma. I know it sounds like a bad soap, but it really happened. The good thing is I'm having better sex with a better man. Ask me about revenge in another post. Because no matter what people say getting even is the best! Especially when the only people it affects is the ass and the slut.

Posted by: Patti at 12/21/2006 11:21 AM

The perfect relationship would be with a prison inmate (assuming that you were not, in fact, also a prison inmate). You could have great sex during one of those conjugal visits, and then you could, like, hit the road, and nobody would bother you for years. Wait, I guess the inmate could still write and ask C what to do. But that’s just a bother to C, not you. Yep, still perfect.

Posted by: simpleton01 at 12/21/2006 03:04 PM

patti:

not. cool.

look, i know that you're bitter and not as pretty as you would like to be, but it's mean-spirited and not very festive of you to air our dirty laundry out here. you knew that your gambling had become a problem for me. man alive, all you ever did was scratch, scratch, scratch at your bingo tickets, you'd even stopped watching scrubs! and look, jaspreet was far from my best friend, he was just a dude on my dart team. as for draupadi, his wife, well, you don't choose who you fall in love with, it just happens. she is a lovely person with a beautiful NON-GAMBLING soul, and hopefully, with the proper administration of anti-biotics, she will get over the bacterial meningitis and be right as rain in no time.

Posted by: michael murray at 12/21/2006 03:45 PM

C, I take the yak crack personally. Have you forgotten that we're still munchin on 700 lbs of our former pet yak? His skull is perched on the front of the pool house. His arse is in the freezer.

Posted by: Drama Queen at 12/21/2006 05:05 PM

Sorry Mikey. You're right. I should take the high road and not even mention you wore my panties without my knowledge or you were a bedwetter. 'Tis the season and I'm all about forgiveness. I hope you and the slut are really happy and she doesn't get deported.

Posted by: patti at 12/22/2006 11:05 AM

Man, I'd love to date a girl in a coma. I could even deal with all the stupid Smiths/Morrisey jokes.

Posted by: Charlie at 12/22/2006 11:09 AM

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