Utter Wonder: The Idle Thoughts Of C. Monks

My Christmas Tree is Better Than Yours.

Posted 12/11/2006 07:07 AM by cmonks in Happy Holidays To You!.

We got our ~~holiday~~ Christmas tree this weekend. It totally kicks ass. Makes your ~~holiday~~ Christmas tree look like a doofus. But whatever. If you're happy with that doofus tree then more power to you.

It's not like I'm competitive about my Christmas tree or anything. I don't have to because mine is always the best. By far. It's not even funny.

My poor neighbors talk a big game when it comes to their ~~holiday~~ Christmas tree, but they know they deep down there's is nothing but a stupid, dumb doofus tree. Yet still they try and step to me. "What a gorgeous tree you have, C," they say. Like I believe them. Jeeeze Louise; they're so jealous it's pathetic. You can hear spite in every little word they spit out of their jealous, pathetic egg nog holes.

I don't pay my neighbors no mind, though. No, 'tis the ~~holiday~~ Christmas season and good will to all men and all that. So I take the high road and instead stand on my car and shout "I'm #1!" at them. Then I eat the ~~holiday~~ Christmas cookies they made me. When I'm through I do a little dance and take off my shirt and show them my guns. By then my neighbors usually run back into their house and cry to their doofus trees.

I can't get across to you how powerful this makes me feel.

So I hope you and yours enjoy that little doofus tree you got for yourselves. And if you're Jewish or Muslim or whatever and don't have or want a ~~holiday~~ Christmas tree then no big whoop. Just understand this: if you did have a Christmas tree, there's a 110% percent chance that my tree would kick its ass in a fight.

This post is dedicated to shewolves.

Comments.

Charo just screams USA and Christmas.

Posted by: Sharon at 12/11/2006 09:38 AM

You obviously have not seen my kick ass tree. It totally kicks the ass of your kick ass tree. In fact my new puppy totally kicks ass too. It can totally the your new puppy's ass.

Posted by: Patti at 12/11/2006 12:00 PM

There is no denying the awesomeness of your Christmas (not holiday) Tree. I totally don't blame you for bragging obnoxiously.

Posted by: Lisa at 12/11/2006 12:19 PM

My tree shoots laser beams and keeps donuts warm for up to 2 days!
What's your tree do besides drop needles all over the place? That's what I thought...

Posted by: Charlie at 12/11/2006 02:08 PM

That "tree" looks suspiciously like cheese mold under a microscope.

Posted by: simpleton01 at 12/11/2006 03:02 PM

Oh, wait. I guess that was Charo.

Posted by: simpleton01 at 12/11/2006 03:03 PM

You have inspired me. I hate holiday trees. I only like Christmas trees.

Posted by: Kat in Da Hat at 12/11/2006 04:29 PM

So what! Your Christmas tree kicks everyone's ass. Big Whoop-d-whoop. I don't have a Christmas, holiday or whatever blue spruce, scotch pine tree from Nova Scotia or Maine. I had one last year, but I burned it in the middle of my living room after some doofus neighbor started jumping up and down on his car hood screaming he was #1 and that my tree sucked. So, yea sure, I got mad and pulled the tree down just like Dawn Davenport in "Female Trouble". Then I burned the tree. It smelled good. I like the smell of things burning. But I don't live in that neighborhood anymore. The only thing I have to deal with in my new neighborhood is the plywood snowman cutout attached to the top of a half-yardstick stuck in the ground. I guess it's supposed to indicate how much snow is on the ground. It just looks dumb and makes me want to burn it down. Along with the nearby tree. But my PO says I shouldn't burn it down. I should channel that burning-things-down energy into something constructive. But all I can think of doing is growing small trees so I can make my own match-sticks. Those trees would kick any Christmas, holiday, Kwanza or Hannukah tree's ass up and down every street in the nation and then back again.

Posted by: Michael Mcinnis at 12/11/2006 07:10 PM

whoa, i can tell that you got the holiday spirit going with all these anger, I LOVE IT! hahaha...if you're interested, take the picture of your entire tree and submit it to www.pimpyourtree.com and see how it goes against all the decked out trees.

Posted by: CowOnWheel at 12/11/2006 07:52 PM

Dude, where the hell have I been that I've not found this before? That is some funny shit, you hilarious m-er f-er. Shit.

Posted by: andy at 12/14/2006 02:35 PM

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