Utter Wonder: The Idle Thoughts Of C. Monks

There Are Angels.

Posted 12/19/2006 07:11 AM by cmonks in Suck It Up, Big Boy.

There are angels. Don't let anyone tell you that there aren't. How do I know? Well, because you can now scan your own items at our local Stop 'N Shop. That's right: you can walk right in, collect your items in your cart and then scan and pay for them yourself without any human interaction whatsoever. It's awesome.

Thank you, angels!

Before the scanning machines came I had to talk with the disaffected teenager manning the cash register, and tell the grumpy Pakistani or slightly retarded bag person what kind of bag I wanted. But now, thanks to the angels, I don't have to go through any of that any more.

It's like the best thing ever.

You haven't really lived until you've grocery shopped without any human interaction. It's so freeing. There's no need to worry about having to suffer through some small chit-chat with a store employee, or accidentally offending someone by referring to them as Indian when in fact they are Pakistani. (I still say that if that info was on their name tags it would save everyone a lot of trouble). Nope, now I just go in, get my stuff, scan it, pay for it and leave without a nary a peep to anybody in the store. I can't tell you how terrific this is.

Yes, occasionally there are times when I can't find the item I'm looking for and in theory it would be easier to ask a clerk for assistance, but still, for me it's worth it just to wander the aisles for ten minutes to find the thing. Why risk suffering through an awkward interaction with someone? The last thing I want them to think of me is that I am an idiot for not knowing where the marshmallow fluff is, because you know that's exactly what they would think. From then on they'd probably always refer to me as "The Marshmallow Fluff Idiot Guy" and snicker at me behind my back every time I was in the store.

So, yeah, no way am I going to let that happen.

I hope I've gotten across just how thrilled I am by these new scanning machines at the Stop N' Shop. They're like the best thing to happen since debit cards. Or email. Or takeout Awesome Blossoms at Chilis. It's great to know, that given the way technology is advancing, my children will someday live in a world where they'll never have to leave their homes. Sure, you can do that now, but only if you pretend that you have some weird medical condition, and I have yet to find one that's foolproof.

So keep it up, angels. You've been very good to me this year, and I vow to do whatever I can to let people know that you guys truly do exist. Other than talking to them directly, of course. Rock on!

This post is dedicated to the kind person, whoever he or she is, who bought one of these.

Comments.

Wow, welcome to 2001 Stop N' Shop! Do you even have hover-carts yet in your backwards town?

Posted by: Orb at 12/19/2006 08:50 AM

Where is your town C? And is it really backwards? I would like to see it if so. I always hear about them and as a big fan of backwards (my favorite movie quote is "redrum", I always drive in reverse and I'm a serious ass man) and I would like to visit.
How can you tell when a town is backwards? Which end is supposed to be the front? Do they have front alleys?

Posted by: Charlie at 12/19/2006 09:39 AM

You can get awesome blossoms TO GO? Do they stay crisp and delicious, or do they get a limp and soggy?

Posted by: Beth at 12/19/2006 11:05 AM

Yes, getting stuff at the store without involving humans is certainly a wonder of technology, or sociology, or something that ends with “ology.”

However, I will not be satisfied until we have jet-packs. Look, we were promised jet-packs on The Jetsons like 40 years ago. Where are they? I’m pissed enough that we can’t get “beamed up” like Captain Kirk, but the lack of jet-packs really gets my goat. Liars!

Posted by: simpleton01 at 12/19/2006 01:33 PM

Furthermore, why does Fred Flintstone keep running by that same rock, and that same bush, over and over again? I'm starting to think there's something real fishy going on.

Posted by: simpleton01 at 12/19/2006 01:37 PM

The Flintstones is actually 100% historically accurate.
There really were that many of the same type rock, tree, etc. back then. But mankind has widdled their numbers down so greatly that now people think it's a big deal to even find some matching rocks, let alone a decent Brontosaurus burger.
We see it all throughout history like when the Indians wiped out the buffalo to spite the white man or the Jews killing off all the Dodos to protest the barring of Barbara Streisand from the '44 Olympics.

Posted by: Charlie at 12/19/2006 02:43 PM

What I really want is Fred Flinstone's car. When it's just him and Barney it's a two-seater. Add Betty and Wilma, and BANG! a whole new backseat appears. Now that's progress. Pre-historic, retro-progress.

Posted by: Orb at 12/19/2006 03:21 PM

Y'all are stinking the place up with geek.

Somebody say something cool before Boing Boing links to us.

Posted by: cmonks at 12/19/2006 03:31 PM

Ken Jennings is da bomb!

Posted by: Drama Queen at 12/19/2006 03:47 PM

Kinda a Tourette's Syndrome thing. Not sure if "geek" or "say something cool" made me blurt that out.

Posted by: Drama Queen at 12/19/2006 03:50 PM

i was just wondering, but do angels, you know, get it on? is that what they do when they're not fighting satan, get it on? do they make angel babies? and further, and i don't mean to be creepy, but in that picture, are those two guy angels? pre-pubescent guy angels? what sort of web site is this, anyway?

Posted by: michael murray at 12/19/2006 03:52 PM

Note to Self: Do not mention angel's butterfly (or is it a moth?) wing. Or is it a puffin?

Posted by: simpleton01 at 12/19/2006 04:06 PM

Angels smoke dust from a blunt, then make cherubs. Or is it they smoke cherubs then make dust? Or, is their smokey dust coming from my fireplace? Wait, I don't have a fireplace. Angel dust. Definitely.

Posted by: Drama Queen at 12/19/2006 05:42 PM

Which reminds me, do you sell "Stay Gold" pipes?

Posted by: Drama Queen at 12/19/2006 05:48 PM

Angels don't have feet. Wait, is that too geeky?

Posted by: Orb at 12/19/2006 10:29 PM

When I read the utter I become confused in wonderment.

When I hear Ken Jennings answer questions I know it is true.

Posted by: Romius T. at 12/20/2006 01:53 AM

With your "debit card" comment, I'm not sure if this feature of self-checkout lines is as big of a deal to you, but it is the part I appreciate.

Self-checkout lines don't mind at all if I spend 45 seconds fumbling through my change pocket to find excact change. Or at least the .02 cents off the total that bring that $28.77 total down to just getting a coin or two back. (If you give $30.02 to some teenage cashier, they'll just look at you blankly until the punch it into their register and see the number that comes back for the amount of change to return.)

Sometimes, if the store is quiet and the self-checkout line is short, I'll feed all the change I have into the machine, just to get rid of it.

Posted by: Andrew at 12/22/2006 02:33 PM

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