The third installment of the Utter Wonder Humor Reading Series was a smashing success. No thanks to you, of course. For the third consecutive time none of you showed up. Oh, there were other people there, and they had a delightful time (laughing, pointing, etc), but they weren't you and thus you missed out on all the hugging. I had said that any regular reader of this site who came to the reading would receive a hug from me. But whatever, it's probably for the best, because let's face it: you couldn't handle my hug. My hug would rock your world, so much so that you'd question every single choice you've ever made in your life, like why you still live with your parents, or that shirt--that awful shirt you're wearing.

But I'm not here today to scold you, no I'm here to rejoice in the day-after-the-reading splendor that is being me. For tomorrow will come and I will go back to the tormented self-doubt and the fair-to-middling-ness. But today I am happy and proud because the reading was fun and over and I now can go back to playing my Wii guilt free.

I was so caught up in the success of last night that I failed to take many pictures. A part of me thinks it's better this way because the visual memories of the night should belong to only those who were there, and not to the ones who missed out on the hugs. However, I will share the two pics I took.

This one is of Maine's own Wayne Gladstone. Here he reads his piece on how to take care of your pet Aiken. The wonders of flash photography prevent you from seeing the funny picture of a mongoloid-like Clay Aiken on the projection screen, but trust me, it was a funny pic, and Wayne is a funny guy.

This one is of Jay Wexler reading his hilarious piece Black and White Zoo. Jay also won the Bad Sonnet Smackdown that closed out the show. I still don't know why I lost. I should have never let the audience vote. Oh well. That's one to grow on.

Anyway, here's my entry in the contest. No, it's meter isn't perfect and the last line is 11 syllables, not ten, but still, come on, it's still a very bad sonnet, am I right?

Love Sonnet For Lisa Marie Nowak

How do I love thee, crazy astronaut?
I love you like rockets and stars and stuff
Like pepper spray and diapers and whatnot
You are so wacky I can't get enough

Still, Lisa Marie it's you I shall wed
'Specially now that Anna Nicole is dead.

Finally, here's a recreation of an actual note that an elderly drunk woman interrupted the show to hand to me. I think it sums up the evening quite nicely, and it reminds me why I find elderly drunk women, in general, terrifying. Tomorrow when I'm weeping into my pillow I will think of this note and say to myself, "Elderly drunk women terrify me."

This post is dedicated to taking a day off. See you on Valentine's Day.