The groundhog didn't see his shadow last Friday, so that means spring is just around the corner. Chances are these things will happen, as well:

- The groundhog will be all uppity and arrogant because everyone is so happy he's predicted an early spring.

- The groundhog will hold a three-day house party in honor of himself at Diddy's estate in the Hamptons.

- The groundhog will be seen flirting with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan at the same party.

- The groundhog will sell his naming right to Flomax and forever be known as "The Flomax Groundhog".

- The Flomax Groundhog will acquire a taste for cocaine and erotic asphyxiation.

- Flomax Groundhog will adopt an orphan boy from Sierra Leone and name him "Flomax Groundhog's African Orphan Boy."

- The Flomax Groundhog will enter rehab and befriend Lola, a former prostitute. The two will marry and stay clean for the first seventeen minutes of their marriage.

- The Flomax Groundhog will divorce Lola in a jealous rage after her song "Crack Ho Done Married the Flo-Hog" hits #1 on the Billboard charts.

- The Flomax Groundhog will die broke and penniless, some time around Memorial Day, just days after the biggest spring snowstorm to hit the Northeast in decades.

This post is dedicated to molten lava.