OKAY, SO YOU'RE A FIVE-INCH ELEPHANT BEETLE IN SEARCH OF A MATE AND YOU ONLY HAVE FOUR MONTHS TO LIVE. STOP SULKING AND DEAL WITH IT! YEAH, YOUR SPECIES IS NEARLY EXTINCT, SO IT'S KIND OF PERTINENT THAT YOU GET SOME, BUT NO LADY ELEPHANT BEETLE WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH A WHINER. LADY ELEPHANTS ARE ALL ABOUT CONFIDENCE AND CLASS AND REFINEMENT. ALSO HELPS IF YOU HAVE EXTRA-LONG HORNS. SO INSTEAD OF MOPING ABOUT ACTING LIKE THE WORLD IS GOING TO END, BUCK UP AND SEIZE THE DAY. YOU ONLY HAVE A FEW MORE WEEKS TO LIVE AND YOU AREN'T GOING TO FIND SOME TAIL SITTING AROUND WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL ALL DAY LONG. DEADLIEST CATCH IS ON ALL THE TIME. YOU CAN AFFORD TO MISS A FEW BROADCASTS. YES, WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT PHIL'S HEALTH, WHAT WITH HIS CONSTANT SMOKING AND RED BULL DRINKING, BUT HE NEEDS TO DEAL WITH HIS OWN LIFE AND YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH YOURS. OR AT LEAST WHAT'S LEFT OF YOURS. SO STOP WASTING TIME. TAKE A SHOWER, BUY SOME AXE BODY SPRAY, GO TO THE NEAREST SHOWING OF SEX AND THE CITY, AND GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME PROCREATIN' DONE!

This post is dedicated to nail clippers.