Went to Gloucester, Massachusetts this past weekend. Am happy to report I didn't get pregnant. Not that I know of, at least. You may have heard that several teenage girls at Gloucester High are pregnant. It's something of an epidemic up in there. Not me, though. Nope. I even went to the beach and everything. Walked around in my bathing suit, gave all the locals some eye candy, and still didn't get knocked up. I think this speaks to my will power and awesomeness. I could have probably gotten pregnant if I wanted to, but I decided that I didn't want to. And so I didn't. For some of you, that might seem hard to believe, but whatever. You don't know me. When I set my mind to something I stick to it. When I knew I was going to Gloucester, Massachusetts I said to myself, "Self, you ain't getting preggers. Okay, bitch?" Worked like a charm. How do I know? Cause I'm not pregnant. Haven't taken a test or anything, but I'm almost completely sure I'm in the clear. Don't feel pregnant at all. Not that I've ever been pregnant before to know. Still, I'm like 84% sure I'm without child. So screw you, Gloucester, Mass! You tried to plant your seed in my loins, but you failed -- YOU FAILED BAD!

This post is dedicated Shawn Kemp.