Hi. I'm back from vacation. Wish I could celebrate it by taunting you with fantastic stories of my time funning and sunning, but I can't because I have swimmer's ear. My ear feels like it's going to explode. It's a total buzzkill. Ever try taunting people about your vacation with swimmer's ear? It can't be done.

Okay, maybe some high end Olympic athlete could do it, but I haven't been one of those in a few years. Besides, most high-end Olympic athletes are so smug. They drive me crazy. In fact, if I didn't have swimmer's ear I'd spend the next few paragraphs taunting them about my awesome tan and the enormous hot fudge sundaes I ate, but I can't because my ear feels like it's going to explode.

Yeah, and even though swimmer's ear is largely a kid illness, that doesn't make me any less of a man. It hurts. You see the pic over there? See how the ear is throbbing? That's about right, except times it by 5000. So save your snide non-vacation-having comments, please. I'm a fully grown male who happened to partake in a bit too much pond swimming while on vacation and is paying the consequences. I actually blame this on my sons for talking me into buying them a raft that looks like an orca. That thing is fantastic. I was on it all the time. The thing looked just like an orca! Made me feel awesome.

To make matters worse, I not only have swimmer's ear, but I also have an middle ear infection. That's two infections in one ear. Try to top that, Mark Spitz! I'm no medical historian, but I'm pretty sure I'm the first fair-to-middling blogger to ever have two different infections in one ear. That alone should earn me a Webby Award. But whatever. Those finks would assuredly find some lame excuse about how having an ear riddled with disease doesn't factor into their nominating process. Tightwads.

So, anyway, I'm back from vacation. If my ear doesn't explode between now and tomorrow I'll return with another post. Until then, pray for me.

This post is dedicated to cotton swabs.