Julia Child was an international spy. Have always thought she was. Ever since I was a kid. My friends never believed me, though. I was all, "Yo, scrubs, Julia Child is a spy, yo!" And they were all, "We have no idea what you're talking about. And stop speaking like that." So I was like, "Speaking like what, fools?" And they were like, "Speaking like that."

And then I got real insecure because I thought we had all agreed that we would start speaking like that, but I guess I misunderstood. "Sorry," I said.

"That's okay," they replied. "Now please let us get back to hunting narwhal."

Growing up Eskimo really sucked.

This post is dedicated to riff raff.