My tongue is better. Thanks for asking. It was a little rocky there for a while as the thing swelled up like a small decorative gourd, complete with little yellow bumps along its sides, but thankfully it has returned to its normal size and shape.

So you all can blow out your candles.

I don't recommend severely biting your tongue. It might sound thrilling to you extreme sportsters out there, but believe me it isn't. Drink a liter of Mountain Dew instead. Sure, the attention you'll receive from family members is nice, at least at first, as they're constantly checking in on you, asking if you're tongue is okay and if they can get you anything and stuff. But after a couple hours or so their interest subsides and when you mention it would awesome if they baked you a cake or bought you that video game you've been dying to play about being a mercenary in Africa, they look at you like you're a jerk without a decorative gourd for a tongue or something.

I don't get "family" sometimes.

This post is dedicated to the savvy electorate.