It seems that pirates have hijacked a Saudi oil tanker and an Islamic terrorist group is vowing to fight the pirates and rescue the vessel because it's owned by a Muslim country. Pretty wild, no? Not since the Yankees and the Mets played in the World Series have I had a harder time picking a side to root for. On one hand we have pirates, who are mean and swarthy. On the other side we have terrorist, who are, well, terrorists. It's like a Michael Bay movie, except there's no Nicolas Cage to tell us who to pull for. My guess is if Nic Cage were involved he'd be a pirate because he kind of dresses like a pirate. Although pirates steal stuff and stealing is wrong, and I really can't side with stealing. What would that say to my kids? But on the other hand, terrorizing people is wrong too. Hard to get behind that. Then again Nic Cage sold weapons to terrorist in Lord of War, so maybe he actually would be on he terrorists' side. Oh, what am I talking about? Nicolas Cage is often plays morally ambiguous roles. What I really need is a Jon Cusack type to be involved, then I'd totally know who to root for. I need him to go to either the terrorists' or the pirates' house and hold a boombox over his shoulders and play "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel, and then I'd know just who to root for. So damn it, Jon Cusack, load up the tape already!

This post is dedicated to ninjas.