I took down our Christmas tree last night. Took it down hard. I don't think a Christmas tree's ass has been totally kicked like I totally kick its ass last night. Right before I started I knew I was going to kick its ass, but then as I was kicking its ass I was surprised by how hard I was kicking its ass. I mean, that thing didn't stand a chance. The ornaments were like, "Please don't put us back in the basement!" and I was like, "Sorry, bitches: It's go time." The lights weren't as easy, though. They were all tangly and whatnot. Still, I eventually kicked their asses too. No stupid string of tangled Christmas lights is a match for me. By the time I was through with them they were screaming for their fat, old Christmas light mama. I was like, "That's right, keep crying, stupid Christmas lights. Run to your fat, old mama. And say hi to her for me because I had sex with her last night."

Yep. I am awesome.