Since you muscled up the names Jerry and Mike are too milquetoast. Go with Thor.

Chris:

I suppose it's time that you knew, but you were not named after a park ranger who rescued you from a well when you were two weeks old. You were named after the lawyer who got your parents off of charges of child abuse and criminal negligence resulting in you being trapped in a well when you were two weeks old. At the time, your parents were, what was called at the time, "free spirits" and your given name was Dandelion Wind.

names? Prince Fernando Banana-Hammock for the win.