Sorry to start off the work week on a sour note, but you didn't spend two hours this weekend putting together a lame spaceship with fake Legos. I did. And the only thing I took away from the soul crushing experience was the understanding that, deep down to my core, fake Legos can go fuck themselves. They can go fuck themselves bad.

I didn't even want to buy the fake Legos. Lil' Buddy saw them at Toys R Us when we were shopping for a birthday present for The Chosen One and was immediately transfixed. I tried me best to push alternative gift ideas: Transformers, Star Wars figures, REAL Legos, but no, we had to buy the fake Legos because they were, despite their cheapo box design, the Best. Thing. Ever. So, whatever, we bought them. It wasn't my proudest moment, waiting there in line holding the fake Legos, with all the overweight moms in sweatpants and their screaming children, but I did it anyway. Lil' Buddy was delighted.

It's stuff like this that make me the best.

Unfortunately, whatever favor I garnered from Lil' Buddy for the purchase went out the door within five minutes of trying to put the fake Legos together. Why? Because fake Legos can go fuck themselves. They really can. I know I may have told other toys to fuck themselves in the past, but this time, I really, really mean it. The directions totally sucked. It was impossible to decipher what should go where. And the pieces did not snap together perfectly. You had to press them hard to make them stick (early onset arthritis, here I come), and half the time that wouldn't even work. But I plodded on, forcing the pieces together and forever putting them back in place after they would fall apart in my hand over and over and over again.

Worst of all, neither The Chosen One nor Lil' Buddy seemed all that impressed with the finished product.

"It looks nothing like it does on the box," they whined.

Okay, sure, the spaceship may have looked a little different. I am man enough to admit it. But if you took away all the duct tape and Gorilla Glue you'd have something that sort of resembled the thing pictured on the box. Why have I been burdened with sticklers for sons?

Whatever. You won this time around, fake Legos. I can accept that. I am completely beaten. Just don't expect a rematch; there are two more spaceships to make and if you think I'm going to be fool enough to put them together then, well, you know, you can just go fuck yourselves.