I ate an entire container of artichoke dip yesterday. I'm not boasting, just relaying the facts. Yesterday, I bought a container of artichoke dip at the grocery store, came home, and then ate the entire thing.

I know, I know, I know: You're really impressed. That's understandable. It's not every day you come across a person who has eaten an entire container of artichoke dip. Why I bet some of you are even a little lightheaded and giddy about this. That's fine. Just try to keep yourself together.

You might ask how I managed to eat the entire container of artichoke dip. It's a fair question. I wish I could give you some fancy answer that suggested I employed a specific strategy for eating the entire container of artichoke dip, but I'm afraid I can't. I just at the thing. Ate it all. With crackers. Stone wheat. While watching golf.

Took about 15 minutes.

That might be a record. I don't know. Ask the Guinness people. They know best about that sort of thing. I'll stay out of it. I didn't do it for records or glory anyway; I did it because I was hungry and I like artichoke dip. Didn't try to be a hero. The container of artichoke dip was there and I ate it.

Simple as that.

And before you ask, no, I'm not available for talks with school groups. Eating an entire container of artichoke chip is something kids have to learn and do on their own. I don't believe in lecturing to them about why it's important to eat a container of artichoke. Kids get turned off by stuff like that anyway. Wanting to eat a container of artichoke dip has to be an organic experience. If a child or 39 year-old man feels forced into it, then chances are they won't eat the whole thing. Or if they do they'll feel bad about it. And really bloated.

Look, I'm not here to tell you, your children, or anyone else how to eat an entire container of artichoke dip. I did what I did and it's done. One minute there was an entire container of artichoke dip; 15 minutes later there was not. It really wasn't that complicated. Scientists can draw up all the formulas they want to try and explain it, but in the end it comes down to one simple answer:

Me 1, Container of Artichoke Dip 0.

Enough said.