| The Gamer's Guide to Losing Your Virginity (Cracked) |
| Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father (Yankee Pot Roast) |
| Mini Games From Your Adolescence (McSweeney's Internet Tendency) |
| Nothing to Crow About (The Science Creative Quarterly) |
| Mr. Can't Fix It (The Morning News) |
| Duane the Disenchanted (Monkeybicycle 5 - PRINT) |
| My Hairy Boy (The Morning News) |
| Daisuke Matsuzaka's Other Legendary Talents (Hobart) |
| The Three Emails I Sent to the South Korean Embassy Last Night (Terry) |
| Paula Abdul: Life Judge (CRACKED) |
| Submission Guidelines For Our Refrigerator Door (McSweeney's) |
| Bonding in the Battlemaze (The Morning News) |
| Interview with Jimmy Kimmel (Mean Magazine, PRINT, Nov/Dec '06) |
| Mountain Man Dance Moves - The McSweeney's Book of Lists (Vintage, PRINT) |
| Lloyd: New and Improved (The Means, PRINT, Issue 2) |
| Interview With David Cross (Mean Magazine, PRINT, Sept/Oct '06) |
| My Signing Statements (McSweeney's) |
| Guidelines for Our Son Jeremiah's First Birthday Party (McSweeney's) |
| Dating on Demand (The Morning News) |
| Horrible Segues, With Local Anchorman Clive Rutledge (McSweeney's) |
| Little Johnny Damon Gets No Respect (Hobart) |
| Trash Talkin' at the Museum of Science (CRACKED) |
| On Playing Laser Tag With Joan Didion (Yankee Pot Roast) |
| I'm Your Biggest Fan (The Morning News) |
| The Pros and Cons of Moving to Canada (Terry) |
| Shafted Again By Nobel (The Science Creative Quarterly) |
| How the World Scores (The Morning News, w/ The HVAWP) |
| The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer (Yankee Pot Roast) |
| Trash Talkin' at the Aquarium (The Science Creative Quarterly) |
| Things Heard During John Cage's Fulsom Prison Performance... (McSweeney's) |
| Course Catalog for Jose Canseco's Baseball Academy (Hobart) |
| Monkey, Get Off My Back (Opium) |
| An Internet Humor Writer Comes Clean (Yankee Pot Roast) |
| Highlights of the 2004-2005 NHL Season (McSweeney's) |
| Ways Jesus Saves (McSweeney's) |
| My Family's Power Rankings (McSweeney's) |
| How Other Countries Celebrate American Thanksgiving (Monkeybicycle) |
| My Celebrity Triad of Death Corner VI (parenthetical note) |
| Incoming! (The Black Table) |
| My Elephant Boy (Monkeybicycle) |
| NYC/July/1989 (the postcard project) |
| The Secret Life of Him (moonshinestill) |
| 18 Things I Should Have Mentioned Beforehand (Über) |
| Kenny Asimov's Three Laws of Robot Baseball (The Big Jewel) |
| Alien Vs. Predator (McSweeney's Internet Tendency) |
| Created in Darkness By Troubled Americans (PRINT: McSweeney's/Knopf) |
| The Really, Really Democratic Black Tea Protest (The Black Table) |
| VH1’s “I Love Christopher Monks’ Labor Day Weekend, 1986 (Yankee Pot Roast) |
| Legends of My Fictional Baseball League (Yankee Pot Roast) |
| My Celebrity Triad of Death Corner V (parenthetical note) |
| My Celebrity Triad of Death Corner IV (parenthetical note) |
| The Right Fielder's Epiphany (Hobart) |
| Notes I've Left on My Kitchen Appliances as Written By My Kitchen Appliances (Über) |
| My Celebrity Triad of Death Corner III (parenthetical note) |
| Thoughts While Cleaning the House (Facsimilation) |
| Is it the Flu? (McSweeney's Internet Tendency) |
| My Celebrity Triad of Death Corner II (parenthetical note) |
| My Celebrity Triad of Death Corner I (parenthetical note) |
| Embedded in Yankee Stadium (really small talk) |
| The Fabulous Life of Christopher Monks: His Hair Care Secrets Revealed (Haypenny) |
| Luka: 16 Years Later (Eyeshot) |
| Group Mobilization as a Desperate Cry for Help (McSweeney's Internet Tendency) |
| Other People Who Died Last Week Besides Gregory Peck (parenthetical note) |
| The Fashion Ups and Downs of My Little League Baseball Career (Hobart) |
| Entries from My Nature Journal (Haypenny) |
| The Fabulous Life of Christopher Monks and his Facial Skin Care Secrets (Kittenpants) |
| Norah Jones: Don't Know Why (parenthetical note) |
| Five Times (Pindeldyboz) |
| An Open Letter to the Enemy (Perfectland) |
| The Screenplay of Ted's Life: Scene #9,787 (Eyeshot) |
| My Top Ten CDs of the Year That I've Rarely Listened To and Only Bought Because I Thought They Would Make Me Look Like I was Cool and Had a Sophisticated Knowledge of Music (Über) |
| Other Things Trent Lott May of May Not Regret Saying (Über) |
| Mink Farming is in Our Blood (Haypenny) |
| Review of My Neighbor's Teenage Sons' House Party (Über) |
| My Personal Fundraising Pledge Drive (Haypenny) |
