The Arlington Advocate has a profile about me and my book this week. As you can see it features another photo of me playing a video game. If Martians landed on Earth today they'd assume all I did was play video games. Then they'd slowly eat each and every one of us. Feet first. Oh, Martians! You're so irascible!
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I'll be reading from my book and trying my best not to appear like a nervous wreck at Brookline Booksmith on Thursday, January 22 at 7 pm. Joining me will be two McSweeney's contributors, both way more famous and funny than I am: Ben Greenman and Dan Kennedy. Should you attend I'm 78.4% certain this will be the single best night of your entire life. ]]>
One of the more controversial challenges from the book has been excerpted over on Cracked.com. That would be "Challenge 14: Destroying Your Virginity." Cracked even created their own artwork for the piece. It's quite a sight to behold. Go check it out. Oh and read the comments while you're at it. I was far too afraid to.]]>
One can only hope and pray.
At any rate, our first contest winner, Mary Keyes, has written a fine review. My book has clearly charmed her silly. In her prize-winning critique she writes many wonderful lines, like, " [A] Fabulous, witty, exciting, clever book that I just couldn't put down," and "I found myself laughing out loud as I recognized so many aspects of myself in his story," and "Everyone can get something out of this book of wisdom and humor," and "I am sending [this book] to my nephew who is stuck at his stage of life living at home, delivering pizza with his degree in English! and so it goes," and, yes, okay, I just quoted the entire review, but you see it don't you, you see how charmed silly she was by my book? It's like the book connected with her soul in a way that a book about a fake video game has never connected with her soul before. Sure, yes, she left some some words out, but who cares? Haven't we all left words out of our reviews on Amazon before? Well, not me, but then again I'm a published author with a book ranked 150,000th-something on Amazon.
Anyway, I thank Mary from the bottom of my heart for putting me out of my misery. There is nothing worse than holding a contest that nobody has bothered entering. She saved the day. For her efforts she will receive an Ultimate Game Guide to Your Life magnet. Right now there are only ten of these bad boys in existence, so it's like incredibly rare and unique. Plus it sticks to your fridge!
For the rest of you, there's still time to enter the contest. Go here for a reminder of the guidelines. Don't worry about the photograph rule; obviously that task is beyond your skill set anyway. So hurry up and review the thing already. I only have nine more magnets and I need to get them off my fridge because my son has submitted a drawing of himself playing football on Mars for display and I can't bare to reject him for the 14th time in a row, thus I need to make some room for the piece. Thanks!
]]>THE ULTIMATE GAME GUIDE TO YOUR LIFE'S AMAZON RANK: #137,462
WET CATS' AMAZON RANK: #236,072
Did that get your attention? Perhaps you should put down that Ding Dong? There. Good. Hi. So, yep, I'm holding a contest. In fact, not just a contest, but a contest with a prize. Best of all, anybody can win. All you have to do is enter.
I know, I know, I know. I'm awesome for doing this. Whatever. Thanks, but I'm just a man, really. A man wearing a better-than-average shirt and killer new slippers, but a man just the same. I'm also quite handsome. But that has nothing to do with the contest, which I'm sure you're just dying to learn about. So, without further ado, here the details:
THE REVIEW MY BOOK ON AMAZON CONTEST
Guidelines
#1. Buy my book. If you check it out of the library you will be disqualified. No exceptions. I like libraries just as much as the next guy, as they are full of books and transients and what have you, but I'm trying to make a living as an author here, so buck up and dish out the 12 bucks to buy my book. That's like two boxes of Ding Dongs. You can afford to make this sacrifice.
#2. Read my book. No phony reviews allowed. You must read my book before reviewing it. If nothing else, I'm all about integrity, so my contest must be integrilicious or else I will have failed all those who came before me. So read the book. Perhaps many of you have already. I wouldn't know because I have yet to receive a glowing email from any of you about how the book has changed your life, but maybe you're still drafting it.
#3. Review my book on Amazon.com. The review must:
- Be at least three sentences long
- Make no mention of any typos in the book
- List one reason why my book is better or worse than Wet Cats
- Be completely honest, as long as you don't go out of your way to hurt my feelings, i.e., like writing something mean about my shirt or slippers.
#4. Send me a photo of you holding my book. This is to verify that you actually have a copy of my book and aren't pretending you do to win the prize. Sorry for being so stickler-ish, but that's how I roll. If you would prefer I not post the pic on Utter Wonder or the Book Blog, let me know, and I'll acquiesce with nary a guilt trip. Feel free to be as creative or as non-creative as you want with the photograph. Just be sure that both you and my book are in the pic.
That's it. Every contest entrant who adheres to the guidelines will win the contest and be awarded with a genuine, officially licensed Ultimate Game Guide to Your Life magnet! It's the most awesome magnet ever -- it sticks to your fridge! And don't listen to what the press has said about the non-licensed Ultimate Game Guide to Your Life magnets being better than my officially licensed one. There are a lot of bitter people in the world and I can't help that. Besides, my magnet is way more awesome - you can stick it on your fridge!
Alrighty, that should do it. Write your review here; send your pic and mailing address to me here. Now go get reviewing!
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I think with this post I firmly establish The Ultimate Game Guide to Your Life Blog as THE place to find links to interviews of me. Sorry, Entertainment Tonight blog: You guys failed. Best go find some interviews of some other barely known to try and corner the market on; this blog owns Christopher Monks. KABOOM.
At any rate, the gaming blog Game Set Watch features an interview with me where I describe what the "Christopher Monks" video game would look like. Here's an excerpt.
"What would the Christopher Monks Game® be?
I can’t say for sure, but I’m fairly certain that it would involve hanging around your house in your pajamas playing Word Twist on Facebook for hours on end. Perhaps there would also be a boss level where you’d have to go to Stop & Shop, buy a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, and return home before “The Office” begins.
For the rest of the interview, please go here.
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There's a new interview with me available for you to love. I am now the 221st person to be interviewed by Claire Zulkey. I am nothing short of thrilled about this as I've been a fan of Claire's for a long time now. Here's an excerpt:
When I publish my book, do you recommend I check out my Amazon ranking or will it only lead to misery?
It depends on how often you check them. You don't want to overdo it or else you might go a little bonkers. I'd keep it to down to like 50 times a day. Anything over 50 or 60 times and your speaking voice will develop an unrelenting quiver. 70-90 times and you'll stop feeding your pet. Over 100 times and you'll begin to think that Hasselbeck girl on The View has a good head on her shoulders.
You can read the rest here.
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The Boston Globe was kind enough to run an article about me and my book today. I'm quite pleased with it. The picture isn't so bad either. It's of me playing Mario Kart for the Wii, a game I rarely play, but the photographer said it made for a "good shot." (As if my rugged good looks weren't enough.) It was taken in my man attic. You can't make out much in the photo, except for my profile, the TV, and our teal-colored home entertainment center. Yes, my home entertainment center is teal. I hope that isn't a dealbreaker. If it is, I hope you've already bought my book at least. No givesies backsies. At any rate, you can read the whole piece right here.]]>
Playing Video Games With My Sons: EPISODE III - Grand Theft Auto IV from cmonks on Vimeo.
"It was an exhilarating experience buying "The Ultimate Guide..." on Amazon, my first visit to the site and it only took me 40 minutes to accomplish it. Yes, I was pretty proud of myself -- and I never would have had the experience if Chris hadn't written the book. So thanks Chris. And if the book turns out to be actually good, that's all gravy." - Dick M.
One can't help but be charmed and inspired by those words. Sure, he was too lazy to type out the full name of my book, but nobody is perfect. The most important thing is that he bought the thing. Have you?
Ah, numbers. Who really cares about numbers? When it comes right down to it, numbers are really just arbitrary, numerical things. Nobody looks at numbers any more. But since I've already committed to releasing my book's Amazon numbers from time to time, I can't stop now. No, that would be finky -- and I'm no fink. Wait, would that be finky? According to my spellchecker "finky" isn't even a word. So I guess that means I'm not finky because I can't be. So instead of finky I'll be heroic and awesome and fantastic and oh god my book's numbers are so UNINSPIRING.
BOOKS: #1,263 (Down too much to count from last ranking.)
BOOKS>ENTERTAINMENT>HUMOR>PARODIES: #6 (Down 4 spots.)
BOOKS>LITERATURE & FICTION>HISTORY & CRITICISM>UNITED STATES: #8 (Down 6 spots.)
BOOKS>ENTERTAIN...all right, I think we've seen enough. Like I said, numbers are really meaningless at this point. It's all about passion and love and reminding myself not to check the rankings of my book every fricking hour anymore. I can do it! I know I can! Will power!
]]>Okay, yes, I realize posting this video constitutes going off on a major tangent. But still, for my money Cats In Diet Soda Boxes are far more compelling than Wet Cats. In fact, I think I have may have the next idea for my book. Here's hoping my cat likes boxes. Where's my Polaroid, anyway?
[Vid via Videogum]
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Ah, it was to be expected, I guess. Perhaps had I gotten Bill Clinton to say something reactionary about me, The Ultimate Game Guide to Your Life would still be at the top. I just think that sort of pandering is beneath that of a SUPERNOVA.
Anyway, if you'd like to help my book overtake her again, you know what to do.
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